Preemptively looking in the fridge to see if my wife might need anything from the store in order to decide if I’m going to let her know that I’m going to the store or just sneak out.
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I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
If my name was Simon I would always talk in the third person when telling someone to do something.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down