@Cornjerker78

[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.

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@Home_Halfway

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

@Holy_Mowgli

ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there

@HomeProbably

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

@dyldonot

*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?

@FredTaming

[ restaurant ]

him: how long for a table

me: about 8 feet

him: no the wait

me: ah, 90 lbs

@JLazySAngus

Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.

@LuckoftheDraw86

Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.

@sad_tree

[crime show]
DETECTIVE: It looks like the guy that inserts dramatic music into our show has been..

*Flintstones theme song plays*

Murdered

@DadandBuried

“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”

– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.

@Pulse_NYC

So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.