[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
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I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
Pls tell me if you can do drunk texting better than this 😂😂
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
If dogs take after their owners, I need to work on my posture.
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
My dog’s dinner: premium organic grain-free no salt or sugar GM free 80% meat 20% veg
My dinner: Haribo
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Praying that Donald Trump is really just Ashton Kutcher performing his most elaborate prank yet.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
handsome & gretel