I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.