Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
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You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
[first person to see an ostrich]
Check out that chicken horse.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
adam and eve had first world problems
lmfao come on
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Why procrastinate today
When you could procrastinate tomorrow
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
Them: what’s an expensive hobby of yours?
Me: living
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
[spiders pour into room]
THEYRE EVERYWHERE
[group of tap dancers enter] ALRIGHT MEN THIS IS WHAT WEVE TRAINED FOR
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
When life hands you women, make women laid.