@mxmclain

Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s

You Might Also Like

@tchrquotes

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

@QwertyJones3

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

@SortaBad

Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s

Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks

@Home_Halfway

“10 Things I Hate About You” is my favorite movie that sounds like a bitter Buzzfeed article

@MomofTeen

In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???

@tastefactory

Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”

@LFdiepretty

I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.

@Lisa_Laughs_

I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.