Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.
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“I’m really good in bed”
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
Is this thing on ?
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[front of card]
No one will find your body
as attractive as I do
[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft