@ToonieLane

Pregnancy test commercials would be a lot more relatable if the women in them cursed and cried.

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@Cheeseboy22

Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.

@AustinSommer

If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions

@WheelTod

Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”

@OfficeofSteve

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

@DrunjAF

I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.

@thenoahkinsey

SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL

@FormerHumorist

[front of card]
No one will find your body

[open card]
as attractive as I do

[back of card]
lying at the bottom of an abandoned mine shaft