Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

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My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.


[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”


“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]


Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.


People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.


Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.


If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.


Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder