@MaryKoCo

Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”

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@Spaziotwat

My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.

@Big_Cat74

[taco bell 2am]

*lethally stoned*

me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”

@Matt52Weeks

“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”

[tries to date pizza]

[gets friend calzoned]

@tchrquotes

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

@katiefzack

People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.

@KThonvold

Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.

@SomthinBoutSara

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

@daemonic3

Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder