Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
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I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
sorry, standing outside your house with a sign that says “prom?” was probably a confusing way to ask u what prom means
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
me: siiiiigh…f#ck these people
boss: you’re not on mute
me: i know.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
I block people for being stupid.
…I block a lot of people.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Me – Okay well, put me down for bringing the flowers to the office party
Cw – oh no you don’t! We know you steal them from the cemetery
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
unmuting at the end of a call just to say “nothing from my end, thanks”
Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
this is the police, we have u surrounded come out with your hands on ur head, then ur shoulders, okay good now knees and toes knees and toes
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
I think about this a lot
Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*