@MaryKoCo
@Spaziotwat My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
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@Spaziotwat 
@Big_Cat74 [taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
@Matt52Weeks “Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
@tchrquotes Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
@katiefzack People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
@KThonvold Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
@SomthinBoutSara If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
@cheeky__gal Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
@cessperience If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
@daemonic3 Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder