Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
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[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
If you’re a doctor, don’t look up from my lab results and just say, “Six months,” when you mean, “COME BACK in six months.”
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
ME: i’m depressed
FRIEND: cheer up essential oils will make you feel better
ME: *sprays him with pepper spray* hey it worked
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
who called it a chinese finger trap and not a digit fidget widget?
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My next door neighbour just accused me of stealing clothes from her washing line. I nearly shit her pants
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
It should be a crime to have sports announcers that sound like a grandpa kermit the frog murmuring through a paper towel tube. YOU’RE RUINING THE GAME PAPA
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Yo. Real shit. Just bcause you went and got your logo printed on some t-shirts, that does NOT mean you have a clothing company. U got shirts
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.