PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Me: Well I don’t wanna blow my own trumpet…
Brass Band Conductor Who Is Auditioning Me: Please do.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
I found your tweet-up…
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Use Angie’s List if you want a plumber to come over.
Use Craigslist if you want that plumber to come over with no pants.
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
[2050, Quarantine Simulator: Day 4]
Test Patient: i don’t know what the big deal is. could do this forever.
Doctor, into lapel: introduce children to simulation.
[34 mins. later]
Test Patient: *banging on two-way mirror*
Doctor: every time.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
*My 9YO wants you to RT*
Broccoli and carrot are driving down the street and get a flat tire.
Broccoli: We’ll have to use asparagus.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so