Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
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The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
Leonardo DiCaprisun
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Court her the old fashioned way by doing late night burnouts in front of her house
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
All generalizations are stupid.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.