PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
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Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
My kid is playing doctor and so far he’s thrown a stuffed animal at my knee, poked my arm with a stick, and asked if I like to climb trees. But I get to lie down, so best game ever
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Be nice to me or I will rain down Hell upon you when I start my blog.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.