*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
You Might Also Like
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
TWITTER REHAB IS GOING GOOD YOU GUYS I GOT A NEW FRIEND HE HAS SPECIAL SUGAR AND IT’S AWESOME AND MY YARD HAS 3,957,268 BLADES OF GRASS!!!!
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
Somebody Cadbury Cream egged our house last night. I’d be upset, but I’ve been too busy licking off the bricks.
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.