*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital

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[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt

Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts


Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.


I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards


Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.

Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.


if you can’t handle me at my honk shoo honk shoo, you don’t deserve me at my mimimimimi


*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*


When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician


Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.


Wife: It’s time for a vacation.
Me: Where do YOU want to go?
Wife: Hmm… Maybe the Bahamas?
Me: Great idea! And, I’LL go camping upstate!