pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
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As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
“First gay marriage. What’s next – people marrying dogs?!”
*nervous glance at dog
Dog: Frank, we’ve been over this. I like you as a friend
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
What a shocker.
I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
Just a warning if you’re buying a watch on Amazon. I learned the hard way that if it says you can swim with it, this only applies if you can already swim without it.
My tween would like you to know I ruined his life when I told him to stop being super sus and cringe and be more lit yo.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.