[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
You Might Also Like
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
Gonna pay my grandma $100 to slip “Syrian Refugee 1 and 2” onto the Thanksgiving seating chart to piss off my uncles.
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
It would take a pretty stupid robot to replace me.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
… Eau DeTroit …
#RejectedPerfumeNames
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
Girl are you a University of Phoenix degree because I’m pursuing you online and from my couch
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
Wife: It’s date night!
Me: So, a movie, and… You still have that school uniform?
W: Yes. *winks*
M: Maybe you can get a student discount.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.