Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
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When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
I wish airlines would stop apologizing for being delayed. I’m an adult, I know you don’t give a shit. I’d rather read “ehh some shit happened, it’s gonna be late”
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Ok, so there’s “senior’s parking,” and “expectant mothers parking” at the grocery store.
Where is the parking for “Undermedicated, on a short fuse and probably shouldn’t be out in public?”
[zoom interview]
interviewer: what’s your background?
me: mainly sales and marketing but—
interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.