Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
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I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
reduce, reuse, recycle
If my husband doesn’t convert my ashes to ink and get me tatoo’ed into his flesh, I am coming back to dampen his socks for eternity.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
I don’t need anyone to motivate me to say what I think, I need someone to remind me to shut up.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?