[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
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Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
I told my doctor I broke my leg in two places. He said I should prolly not go to those places anymore.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
“Pray, love, eat.” — A mantis
Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it