[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
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Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
[Parisian restaurant, breakfast]
Me: I hear you do the best toasted Cheese & Ham here
Server: That’s a croque monsieur
M: Oh that’s a shame, I’ll have a croissant instead then please
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.