Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
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“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
fr
Mom: here comes the plane!
Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
I will never fall in love with any twitter girl here as I am scared that one of these unknown accounts may be a sting run by my wife.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
Marriage Tip: If your husband is watching golf, show him you’re interested by repeatedly asking “why doesn’t our lawn ever look that nice?”
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
[my funeral]
PRIEST: Now that Dave has been cremated, he can finally get that rest he has… URNed.
EVERYONE: 😐
ME (from beyond): 😁
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.