Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
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Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato
I was jogging at night once in jeans when I caught up to an old guy at the corner. He was so startled he handed me his wallet. I didn’t want to waste all his fear so I politely took it.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.
I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”