[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
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Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
SUN: [explodes]
ME: are you mad at me
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
[bear approaches]
friend: make yourself look big!
me: YOURSELF
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
#merica
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
#growingpains
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.