Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
What do you call a priest that graduated from law school
Father in Law
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
First, they came for the lettuce… and I said nothing because I don’t eat lettuce.
Then, they came for the kale… and I said nothing because I don’t eat kale.
Then they came for the fries…
and I said, OH. HELL. NO.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
[commercial for kids]
woman *opens pantry and 6 bags of chips fall out* ARGH!
narrator: Are you tired of having food in your house?
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
Thanks to everyone who said nothing while I walked around with my zipper down all morning.
Take your husband’s last name. Take his first name. Take his social. Assume his identity. Hide the body in a closet. You’re the husband now.
Who called it your monthly period and not egg drop soup?
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
Me: It appears our thoughts have verbally crossed streams once again
Friend: why can’t you just say jinx?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.