Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
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If you love someone, set them free. If they come back with two police officers, you’ll know that setting them free was a bad idea.
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
Therapist: Ok so what brings you both here?
Me: Well apparently I make her life a “living hell”
My guardian angel: *sobbing uncontrollably*
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
I don’t get marriage
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
Her: You say you’ve directed shorts before?
[Earlier]
Me: BE PANTS, BUT ALMOST
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
I put the h in mysterious.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.