Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
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I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.
i wish all
whales
a very
big
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
customer: have you worked here a long time
me, a waiter: 14 years sir
customer: wow ok what do you recommend
me: finishing college
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.