prepare for carbonated trouble
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Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
*installs google translate*
*looks at Arabic tweets for jokes to steal*
*finds half my tweets doing better than mine*
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Probably the hardest part about being God is deciding between two equally terrible youth soccer teams that have just prayed to win.
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
These fireworks are awesome! High four!
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
New favorite tiktok
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Loan Officer: Denied
Me: maybe this will change your mind
*climbs on his desk & performs a perfect rendition of Take a Chance on Me, bank patrons are clapping & singing along*
Me: *catching my breath* well??
Loan Officer: ABBAsolutely not