prepare for thanksgiving? i’ve been overeating and arguing with my family for years, i was born ready for this
You Might Also Like
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
GOD: you breathe water so you’ll be in the ocean
SHARK: nice
GOD: you breathe air so you’ll be on land
HORSE: cool
GOD: you’re huge and have fins, you’ll have to be in the ocean
BLUE WHALE: ok and I breathe water, yeah?
GOD: um
BLUE WHALE: um what?
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
I don’t understand why gyms have mirrors. I know what I look like. That’s why I’m here.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
old folks get really mad when you’ve never seen their favorite movies like sorry gramps i dont get the hype for topped gun or casa de blanca
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
Cop: license and registration.
Me: I don’t carry my drivers license so I don’t lose it.
Cop: where is it?
Me: I have absolutely no idea.
who wants to go expliring
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Staring out into the horizon..
Me: this is so peaceful, tranquil & romantic
[Bf holding up a stuffed lion]
Bf:Ah zabenya za dabib du da
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”