@donnie_fairburn [Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
@Marlebean Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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@donnie_fairburn 
@sara_ashlynn I had an erotic dream last night that my house was clean.
@sixfootcandy Kidnappers: We have your husband. Send us $10,000 if you ever want to see him again.
Me: Where I should drop off his clothes?
@Shade510 You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
@TheHyyyype [knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
@daemonic3 [interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
@3sunzzz Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
@AaronFullerton Beyoncé: Ok now ladies let’s get in formation.
Ladies: Information about what?
Beyoncé: Dammit, ladies, we went over this.
@MrsTomServo “Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
@KarenLyneButler When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.