Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
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Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Elmer Fudd married Bugs Bunny. Twice. I think they had a better shot than you.
– me as a marriage counselor
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
some people are so convincing that if they say thermodynamics is a flask, I believe
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
My son turns 3 in two weeks and has zero interest in potty training. I’m trying one more time and then it’ll be his future wife’s problem.
Now I’m getting threatened with “we have access to your iCloud.” I’ll be honest, I stand by most of my nudes. Frankly I’m way more embarrassed by all the inspirational quotes I’ve screen grabbed.
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves