Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
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My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
COMPANY: HIRING URGENTLY NO EXPERIENCE NEEDED APPLY NOW.
ME: *sends resume*
COMPANY: *no response*
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
It’s amusing when people wave back at me on hiking trails when all I’m really doing is swatting away flies.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
[coming out of my bunker after the apocalypse happened]
friend: holly shit. everything is gone
me: i’m gonna try out for the nba
friend: what
me: i think i can make it now. do u think they’re still doin it
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
If you think fruit is better than candy just remember Eve ate an apple, not a Reese’s.
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Romance is weird. My wife said she wanted fantasy play but got angry when I handed her the wizard beard & 20 sided dice
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Doctor: “Why is my waiting room empty?”
Judge: “I hauled everyone off to court”
Doctor: “You’re trying my patients”
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
Nude Descending a Staircase is both my favorite work of art and the most common entry on my criminal records.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra