*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
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Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
accurate
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Just tried a kids meal in McDonald’s. Unfortunately, her dad chased me away before I got any of her chips.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
8 PM- “Tomorrow, when I wake up, I’m going to make an actual breakfast with eggs, toast, bacon, & hash browns”
8 AM- *grabs cold pizza from the fridge*
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
H: Let’s have dinner on the deck tonight.
Every mosquito in a 17 mile radius: OKAY!
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
So creative 😂