[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
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*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Grocery store bagger: need help out to your car?
me: *gets in the cart* yes.
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
The sex was going great until he questioned why I was making my storm trooper action figures kiss across his forehead.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Me: when I was your age we had nine planets
6: what happened? We only have 8 now.
Me: aliens destroyed one because the kids wouldn’t keep their room clean.
6: 😳
Hubby: um honey…
Me: what? It’s better than the truth!
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
something like this could probably happen to anyone
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
When people say let’s stop fighting and act like a family, that’s where I get confused.
MAN: I’ll get pasta & she’ll have the salad
COW: What’s that mean?
MAN: Uh-
COW: I’m fat?
MAN: … You’re a cow?
PIG AT NEXT TABLE: Ooo
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.