Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
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I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Me: how was your date?
Friend: I ruined her panties.
M: Wow that’s hot man.
F: No she got food poisoning from my cooking, bro.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I’d like my parents to cheer for me for eating solid foods, taking steps, and sleeping thru the night now
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Happens to everyone.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.