Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
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[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
The check engine light could be more specific…is it ‘holy shit stop the car right now’ or ‘proceed with caution for the next 6000 miles’?
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
i used to steal a bunch of digestion meds as a kid and all the cvs’s around town had a wanted sign calling me klepto bismol
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
Bruh PLEASE
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.