[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
You Might Also Like
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
You would think a Steven with a ph would know better than to address me as Alison with two Ls.
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that are excited for the car ride until we realize where we’re going.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: watching Doc McStuffins.
Wife: but the kids are in bed.
Me: so?
Wife: aren’t you a little old to watch cartoons?
Me: aren’t you a little old to shop at Forever 21?
Wife:
Me:
Wife: so what’s this episode about?
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
Instead of a vasectomy they should have just called it a spermaban.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.