@InternetHippo

[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,

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@GorillaNipples1

[Career Day]

Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.

Kids: *raise hands*

Me: I won’t be taking any questions.

@ben_rosen

instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club

@Ygrene

Me: [trying to act normal]

Nearby Person: hey man are you ok

@pittdave13

Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars

Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”

Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…

@AnkCoupleTO

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

@clichedout

HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.

HIM: She’s mad at me.

@junejuly12

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

@better_off_dad2

‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’

– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.

@GingerHotDish

You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.