Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
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LOL
😂🤣😂🤣
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Am I relying on you to cover up all these blood stains after murdering my ex?
BLEACH I MIGHT BE
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
-Stop sending me scary scenes from destruction films! What’s wrong with you?
-That was just me cooking us lasagna
-Oh..see you at 9!
-You bet you will
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids