“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”
The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery
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Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
Finally watching Michael Bay’s TMNT. Best part so far is a dude answering a Skype call and yelling “How did you get this number?!?”
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?
Me: Two.
4-year-old: It was nine.
Teaching her to count was a mistake.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I never wanted to be a member of the Addams Family for Halloween because my fingers would be raw from snapping them the whole night.
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
I hate weddings, funerals and the symphony. I never know when to clap.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby