President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-

[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]

That wasn’t the intercom.

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*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*


My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.


ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?

PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel


DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*


Cinderella: I lost another shoe

Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he


Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear


I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.


Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-

Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”


*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*

ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!