President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
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I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
A dog walks into a bar. Then a bank. Then the dry cleaners. This is a dog world. Way to be productive, dog. Try to do the bar last next time
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Tearfully waving out the train window as my girlfriend runs alongside
*45 minutes later*
She’s still keeping pace. It’s inhuman. Everyone on the train is screaming. I’m begging her to stop but she can’t hear me. Her eyes are pure white. Police helicopters circle overhead
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
Soon a hero will rise. Then he will fall again. Then he will rise and also fall. Wait. The hero is on a trampoline.
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich