PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
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gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
judge: how can this be your defense?
me: how was I to know he wasn’t cake?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Just once…one time; can’t we buy a tree that doesn’t try to attack me when I come home drunk at 2am.
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
Does beer think about me too?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Even though it says it right there in the show’s title, I’m always disappointed when Unsolved Mysteries aren’t neatly wrapped up by the end of the ep.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
I like how liquor stores wrap booze bottles in complimentary barf bags.
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
Scream sneezers need love too.