President The Rock Obama
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europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
While I appreciate that you’re bringing sexy back, if we’re not also discussing who took sexy away, we’re only enabling future sexy problems
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Barbies and voodoo dolls are not interchangeable. I know this. My daughter knows this.
My daughter’s enemies? You better believe they know this.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
Tear gas is the saddest gas.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”