[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
mechanics be like
THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
My phone died, so I was forced to “print” a physical copy of my boarding pass, just like The Wright Brothers used to in the olden days
A Russian bomber was intercepted 20 miles from Los Angeles at 5:17am this morning, but no one wants to talk about it ’cause I made it up.
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
[At work]
“guys check this out”
[Tries to do the fake walking downstairs thing but gets it wrong & walks up into the air]
“Holy shit help”
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Are you happily married or did your husband just take out 12 dishes to heat up a can of soup?
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas