@Swishergirl24 This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
@armyVet1972 Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
You Might Also Like
@Swishergirl24 
@carlyken If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
@tastefactory I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
@TheSharona06 Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.
@EyalTweet 7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
@jakery friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
@DaddyJew 5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
@murrman5 [the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
@murrman5 wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
@simoncholland You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.