@armyVet1972

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Presione 2 para español
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Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert

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@Swishergirl24

This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.

@carlyken

If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.

@tastefactory

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

@TheSharona06

Saying “unwanted houseguests” is redundant. I just call them houseguests.

@EyalTweet

7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”

Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”

Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”

*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*

3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”

@jakery

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

@DaddyJew

5: daddy can I tell you a secret?

Me: sure thing buddy

5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands

@murrman5

[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”

@murrman5

wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]

@simoncholland

You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.