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no one:
my brain:
key largo montego
olivia rodrigo
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Alexa; make it look like an accident
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
When I was a kid another kid brought his turtle to school.
One kid asked, “does he bite?”
“Heck no,” said turtle kid pressing his index finger against the turtles beak. Then there was blood and screaming.
So we learned other children are a terrible source of information.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
Sure it was spent alone in a desert hut, but Obi Wan basically wore a bathrobe for 19 years and I have nothing but respect.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.