@jaden If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
@KentWGraham “Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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@jaden 
@imence2 “So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
@_correctomundo Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
@Dani_Feld What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
@fro_vo [first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
@PinkCamoTO Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
@Marlebean Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
@AdamOfEarth Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
@drunkNnaughty I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
@carlyken “No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool