@KentWGraham

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

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@jaden

If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It

@imence2

“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.

@_correctomundo

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

@Dani_Feld

What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?

@fro_vo

[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot

@PinkCamoTO

Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.

@Marlebean

Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.

@AdamOfEarth

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

@drunkNnaughty

I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.

@carlyken

“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool