“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

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If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It


“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.


Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.


What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?

What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?


[first day as a teacher]

me: today we’re learning the alphabet

kid: that’s easy

me: no it’s A-Z idiot


Becoming a parent changes your whole life.

One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.


Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
You, you dumb slob.


Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man


I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.


“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool