@KentWGraham

“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”

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@joeljeffrey

Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?

@squirrel74wkgn

I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.

@Robski_Boy

Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.

@sofarrsogud

WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.

WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.

@KeetPotato

doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button