@joeljeffrey Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
@KentWGraham “Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
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@joeljeffrey 
@squirrel74wkgn I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
@MyChinaTrip This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
@AndrewBloch Probably the best newspaper correction ever
#BritishSausageWeek
@Robski_Boy Ladies. Even the most mundane chore is better in a Princess Leia costume.
@BobbyBucchae 
@dougbies There’s no gangsta way to pull on a push door
@sofarrsogud WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
@KeetPotato doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
@SkinnerSteven I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty