[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
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If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
So, according to my wife, Febrezing the dog is NOT the same as giving him a bath.
Apparently.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Ion see the issue
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
In high school I was voted Most Likely to Be Shot Dead While Trying to Steal Something of Moderate Value From a Texan.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*