*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
My son just got his brown belt in Tae Kwon Do. If you threaten him, he bows respectfully before he runs.
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I’m not particularly good at playing hide-and-seek with children because I have no desire to find them.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Reasons he didn’t text you:
– He forgot.
– He fell asleep.
– His phone died.
– His pet died.
– His GF died.
– He died.
– He thinks you died.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
movie theater manager: im sorry no outside drinks
me: are you kidding me right now
my date: (the kool aid man) it’s fine we’ll just go somewhere else
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
Not many quicksand-related deaths since the 1970s.
Thank god the authorities got that nightmare under control.
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.