Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
9: can you open this for me please? My palms are too sweaty.
Me: are your knees weak? Arms heavy?
9: what?
Me: is there vomit on your sweater already? Moms spaghetti?
9: oh my God! I don’t even know the song but I know you’re rapping again!
Me: are you nervous?
9: stop!!!
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
they finally got him. they got macavity
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days