Pretending I’m eating a salad by putting some lettuce in a bowl of candied walnuts.
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Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
Everything I know about sex I learned from Tetris: rotate it and hope it fits in another slot
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Some DUMBFUCK put chicken nuggets, on tinfoil, in microwave. Microwave on fire. Building evacuating.
*wipes prints off microwave handle*
[stranded on a desert island]
*plane flies over head and drops a letter*
Me: omg I’m going to be rescued!
*opens letter*
we’re just reaching out to you about your car’s extended warrantyMe: Sonofa-
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.