Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.
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[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Stop.
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Asian women look 16 forever and one day out of nowhere look 159 years old.
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.