[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
[Doctor’s Office]
Sir, it appears you have takes-everything-literally disease.
“Is it bad, doc?”
Yes, but bear in mind-
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Man: “I think I saw a UFO last night”
UFO with fake moustache: “Nah, it was probably one of them optical gases or something”
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I’ve hired a circus clown for my funeral.
Not for any of that celebrate my life bullshit, just to sit silently at the back to freak my family out.
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
Remember two years ago when we found out aliens exist but were too busy fighting over toilet paper to care? Good times.
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Me: Keep absolutely still. His vision is based on movement
Vampire: That’s a T-Rex, idiot
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”