Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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Yes, dust for fingerprints is exactly what I meant when I asked you to dust the living room, Sherlock Holmes.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
I love having dinner at my fancy mansion when my mysterious guest casually asks me a piercing question that indicates they know all about my clandestine, illicit activities
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
There are times I stare at my kids thinking how amazing they are and then realize it’s because they are napping.
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
Whenever anyone smiles at me, I change all my passwords.
“Daddy, I-”
*presses button for soundproof backseat divider
Wife: “HOW MUCH DID-”
*presses button for soundproof passenger seat divider
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
my co worker is getting married.
She said that she didn’t realize how expensive changing her last name is.
Her and her husband decided if they are going to spend money to have last names changed, they will choose something they both want.
Their new last name will be Nighthawk
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood