*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
I was at a Hanukkah party at my uncle’s house and one of my cousins was like, “hey look it’s bitcoin” and held up a piece of gelt that he’d taken a bite out of
Put this video in the Louvre
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.
At least I don’t have high blood pressure.
Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.