[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.
Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 yearsAngel: horses?
God: 20Angel: cats?
God: 15Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTYAngel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about fliesAngel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol
*Tries to get makeup off*
Makeup: I have a boyfriend.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
7yo: You count to 20 and I’ll hide.
Me: Ok. [Starts counting.]
[Goes downstairs to drink coffee and eat cookies.]