[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
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Me:What’d u ask Santa for
6: a speed boat
M: like a Lego boat?
M: oh for the bath?
M: the pool?
6: *doesnt break eye contact* no
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
While it’s impossible to pick a favorite child, it’s easy to identify the one who isn’t your favorite at the moment.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.
Life with a cat in one tweet
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
FRIEND: and this is my pug
ME: (thinkig to self) did that pug just say “oink”
“Wish You Were Beer!”
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…