*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
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Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Until you show me in the corporate dress code where it says masks & capes aren’t allowed, I must refuse to reveal my identity to the others.
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
Hubs: Hey, was that tweet about me?
M: No, they’re never about people I know.
*writes another tweet about him*
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
Being an adult is mostly pretending to like wine and saying “the economy” a lot.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
5 and 11 months: When I was a baby six years ago I was happy.
Me: You weren’t born yet then.
5: No, I mean when I was in your tummy. I didn’t have to do anything I didn’t want and it was dark and warm.
Me: *Sigh* And you didn’t fight with me on eating your dinner either.
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
My eyesight is just terrible since having kids. I’m always seeing double. It’s a nightmare!
Optometrist: Ma’am you have identical twins…
He’s dead
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
i hate when my iPhone corrects “omw” to “On my way!” bro i am not that excited
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
The word “defenestration” means “to throw someone out a window.” Which means this happens so often we needed a word for it.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan