Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
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*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
My super power is being that person in all your crowd selfies staring directly into your camera.
I want to make some business cards with this image so when people are like “what’s your type” I can just hand them one and say idk these are all men I’m attracted to, y’all figure it out
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
H: “What do you want for Valentine’s Day?”
“A puppy.”
“Pick something else.”
“A different puppy.”
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.